Tales of the Parodyverse

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An Interested Historian
Mon Dec 26, 2005 at 04:41:58 pm EST
Subject
A Golden Age Parody Comics Reprint: Tales of the Hat #10.
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A little belatedly, here’s a Christmas present. I was able to track down a fair copy of Tales of the Hat #10 from December of 1949 a few years ago for $80 at a comic convention, the dealer told me the he though it one of the oddest stories printed in Tales of the Hat’s first run, but I must say after extensive research into the series, I think it adequately captures the spirit of Parody Comics around that time and even seems quaint after the Silver/New-Age explosion of the psychedelic heroes in the early sixties.



It is the 24th of December, dear readers, and Santa and his little helpers are in the final preparations to deliver millions of presents to children all around the world.

Santa: If only we could deliver to the little boys and girls of the eastern bloc!

Elf Foreman: After they attacked you with anti-aircraft guns last year?

Santa: (sigh) I don’t think Donner’s balance will ever be quite the same…Still! There seem to be more and more presents to deliver every year! I wonder if I’ll be able to put it all away…

Elf Foreman: The presents, Santa?

Santa: No, little one, the milk and cookies that are left for me! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Meanwhile, behind the ‘iron curtain’, in the darkest corner of the Soviet heartland, the commies’ most supreme agent, Erskin Blofish, spies on Father Christmas with a dastardly scheme forming in his villainous green head!

Erskin Blofish: Typical capitalist pig! Taking the milk and cookies for himself! Why does he not do what all the people of Russia would do and redistribute the milk to the thirsty and cookies to the hungry? I am glad we have cancelled Christmas! Hmm…But this is not enough! Christmas should be the promotion of Communist values, such as obedience, subservience to the state and suppression of individual identity! Not the giving of tin soldiers or crassly painted wooden horses! If I were in charge of Christmas, everyone in the capitalist west would get a lump of coal…

Let us leave the cold snowfields of Russia and the colder heart of Blofish and admire and altogether warmer scene: That of the superhero Hatman, in his civilian guise of Jim Walker who is currently relaxing in front of his fire in the apartment of his girlfriend, Daisy.

Jim, thinking: Co’mon old boy! You’ve faced danger dozens of times as Hatman, how can asking the love of your life to marry you be so hard?

Daisy: Isn’t this wonderful Jim? You, me and the fire, I don’t think I could be any happier right now.

Jim: Daisy, there’s something I must ask you.

Daisy: Yes, Jim?

Jim: Well I-

But before our hero could make his matrimonial proposition, fate steps in! A signal, that only with his highly trained hero ears can detect goes off!

BEEP BEEP!

Jim, thinking: The Hat signal! I gave it to Mayor Parody in case of trouble. I’ll pretend I’ve just forgotten something.

Jim: I’m sorry Daisy, I’ve just remembered an appointment with a building contractor, and he wanted me to inspect a building tonight!

Daisy: On Christmas Eve? It’s OK. It’ll give me the chance to finish cleaning the apartment.

Jim: That’s my girl! I’ll be back as soon as I can.

Daisy, thinking: Oh Jim! When will you ask me to be your wife?

Jim dons his Hat-Belt and hurriedly makes his way to the office of the Mayor of Parodiopolis, Wilbur Parody.

Wilbur: Thank the stars you’ve come Hatman!

Jim: What seems to be the problem, Mr Parody?

Wilbur: A calamity of international proportions, Hatman! Father Christmas…has been kidnapped!

Jim: Good Lord!

Wilbur: We’ve received this note, telling us that Santa has been kidnapped by your old foe, Erskin Blofish!

Jim: Of course! Only a mind as evil as his could ruin Christmas. Let me read the note:

Hatman! I have your Santa! As the originator of the sickening Capitalist ritual known as Christmas, I, Erskin Blofish, have declared him and enemy of the Communist Way! A more appropriate candidate has been selected to represent the values of the new…Red Christmas!

Jim: I must get to the North Pole at once!

Wilbur: I’ve contacted the army, Hatman. They’ll take you directly to Santa’s workshop. Good luck, son. The world’s children are counting on you!

Jim: Don’t worry sir, they’re safe with me!

The North Pole, sometime later…

Erskin Blofish: Are you ready to fulfil your Red Christmas duties, Santavsky?

Santavsky: Dah, Comrade Blofish!

Erskin Blofish: Good! What I would give, to see the smiles of American children crushed when they open their shiny papered boxes to discover – a lump of coal! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Santavsky: Ho! Ho! Ho! It will be a very merry Christmas, comrade.

Erskin Blofish: We should remove the religious aspect of this ceremony to accurately reflect the Communist dictates. From now on, it shall be called Stalinmas! Now Santavsky, leave us on the new and improved sleigh. These new robotic reindeer shall prove a great boon to our cause. Go, and deliver the Communist message to those pigs in the west!

All may seem lost for Santa and Christmas, but fear not reader! For not 100 yards away from this evil interaction of iconoclasts, stands Hatman!

Santavsky: The supersleigh is ready for launch, Comrade Blofish!

Hatman: Good Lord! I’ve got to hurry (wears Engineer’s hat) and this is no time for thinking! Stop right there, Blofish!

In the workshop, Elves, kept in captivity with their unconscious leader, hear the glorious cry of fear from their Soviet Captors!

Elves: It’s Hatman! Stop the supersleigh!

Hatman: Egads! We’re too late, it’s taken off!

Erskin Blofish: Ha! Ha! Ha! Christmas is over, Hatman and so are you. With my new heat gun, I’ll fry you to a crisp!

But as Blofish prepares to fire, an expertly thrown snowball hits his repulsive green face!

Blofish: Aagh! What is this?

Elf Foreman: Keep throwing! Hatman, take our sleigh and reindeer; they’ll help you fight that Santavsky!

Hatman: Thanks little fella!

Hatman hurriedly leaps into Santa’s sleigh and grips the reins of the nine magical reindeer!

Hatman: They’re not moving!

Elf Foreman: Here Hatman, wear this!

Hatman: Santa’s hat!

Elf Foreman: Good luck, hero, we’re counting on you!

Hatman dons the Santa hat and immediately the reindeer pounce in to action!

Hatman: Wow! This is better than water-skiing on Lake Tahoe!

And even though the supersleigh is fast, the wooden sleigh of Father Christmas is faster! Quickly our hero catches up with Santavsky and his robotic reindeer.

Santavsky: Curses, Hatman! You’ll never stop me. Reindeer Blitzkreig, fire your antlers!

Hatman: Good Lord! Evasive action, fellas!

Santavsky: You missed! All Reindeer – fire antlers at will!

Hatman: Keep dodging those antlers, I’ve got to find a way to stop Santavsky!

Hatman, thinking: Even though we’re faster, his weapons could seriously harm the reindeer. Then Christmas could be ruined!

Hatman leaves the guidance of the sleigh to Rudolf, while he searches the presents loaded in the back.

Hatman: A doll…A Chess set…Ah! Here we go…A BB Gun! All I have to do is…

Hatman dons the Cowboy hat and sets his sights on the supersleigh’s leader! With his perfect aim, he catches the Communist Chris Cringle where it hurts most!

Santavsky: Aargh! My eye!

Hatman: Bingo! He’s going down!

Sometime later, at the North Pole…

Santa: You’ve done it, Hatman. You’ve saved Christmas!

Hatman: It’s my job, Santa.

Santa: Speaking of jobs…I’ve got some delivering to do…Ho! Ho! Ho!

Erskin Blofish: I’ll get you one day Hatman, you too Santa!

Santavsky: Though I may have only one eye, it is still set on seeing you destroyed Hatman!

Hatman: Complain all you want to, gentlemen, but you’re going to a state prison!

Back at the apartment of Daisy Duffy…

Jim, thinking: I’ve been gone for hours. I hope she isn’t mad.

Jim: Daisy, darling, are you still cleaning?

But Daisy, in love with our hero enters smiling, carrying a tray of milk and cookies!

Daisy: I’ve got your favorite snack all ready for you, my darling.

Jim: Daisy…you’re the best! And it’s not just my favorite snack!

Outside, a distant silhouette in the moonlight flies past.

Santa: Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas everybody!


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